Why do I yell?

There's a complicated answer fully of lengthy explanations and excuses, and there's a simple one - because I get angry. As I've read last week in R'Pliskin's "Anger! The Inner Teacher" that frustration, annoyance, impatience, resentment, indignation are all different forms of anger. After some pondering, I had to agree. I guess that means that I get angry a lot. Definitely a lot more often than I thought. That's a discovery that is hard to swallow. That's not to say that I act upon every instance of anger, far from it. But it is important to realize that anger comes in different flavors. Hopefully, making the enemy more easily recognizable would make it easier to fight it.

Progress - Week1 of No Yelling

Ok, I do realize that week two is about to end, but I am going to post this any way.

So, here's my progress:

1. Achieved greater awareness of when I want to yell. Hence, less yelling before I even realize I am yelling. (Am I the only one who is surprised to finds herself mid-scream?)

2. Realized that I must control what comes out of my mouth, especially when even slightly ticked off, at all times. 100% vigilance. Easing even a little bit leads to yelling. This sucks.

3. Being sleep-deprived makes controlling oneself much harder. Okay, I knew that, but got a reminder.

4. Less yelling didn't automatically lead to better behaved kids. Nor do they behave worse. However, they are a lot more affectionate towards me and their father. Coincidence?

5. Less yelling. Not all out, some relapses, but, thank G-d, less. (Please, do not test this statement!!!)

I don't know if anyone embarked on this project with me. If yes, anything, any progress you wish to share?

Yelling and abuse

In the last few decades, abuse have become a household word. On the one hand, we have raised awareness of the problem, addressed consequences and came up with some solutions. We now know that abuse presents itself in many forms: verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, psychological and even financial. I might be missing some. For the most part, obtaining help, at least in big cities, had become much easier than 20 or 30 years ago. On the flip side, due to extensive use the word itself lost its impact. You often hear people jokingly referring to innocent behaviors, such as dressing girls in blue or giving kids home hair cuts as "child abuse."

So where does yelling fall in this picture? Sarah Chana Radcliffe, the author of "Raise Your Children Without Raising Your Voice" states in her book that all yelling is abusive. I would venture out to say that in this case 99% of parents had abused their kids at one point or another. Which brings us to the question of whether that makes all these parents, myself included, abusers. (It is besides the point that Child Protective Services won't get involved over excessive yelling.) Or does that make them the parents who engage in abusive behaviors? And is there really a difference? (This reminds me of an article I have read about Irish, who have started substituting the word "alcoholic" with "alcohol dependent," a phrase describing a notoriously wide and not precisely defined range of alcohol consumption. The author of the article pointed out that 95% of Irish men depend on alcohol to relax after work; does that mean that the entire country needs to go to rehab?)

I have been thinking about this for a while. Obviously, if one yells at a kid to terrify or intimidate them, it's abusive. But what if one yells out in frustration? I am starting to not be so sure. Then again, if a husband consistently yells at his wife in frustration, I consider that a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Do the standards for children differ from those we apply to spouses?

Yelling: not all bad

Every parenting book I read starts off with the chapter that goes on at great length about the evils of poor parenting. The book I bought on yelling went on and on about why it is bad. I frankly do not understand why they are doing this. Obviously, I already figured out that bad parenting is...well...bad. Obviously, I want to change. Need proof? I bought/rented/borrowed your book and am reading it! The only reason I can come up with is that the authors are trying to strengthen readers' resolve to improve and possibly bring in some scientific studies laypeople are not aware of.

I will avoid the reason why one shouldn't yell at her kids. They are too numerous and too obvious to recount. I will only list one reason that I haven't seen in the literature so far. And this reason is as follows - yelling works only when done occasionally and only in limited circumstances. If done often, it becomes white noise, and kids no longer pay much or desired attention to it. Yes, you have heard this before, but please bare with me.

There are situations when yelling is absolutely necessary and getting your child's attention RIGHT NOW is of utmost importance. They are the times when a child is doing something dangerous, but is out of parent's immediate reach. Putting something in the electric outlet, stepping on a broken glass, carelessly crossing the street when the car is approaching - these are examples that are coming to mind. If I freak out and break into a yelling tirade when my son pours apple juice all over the floor, even on purpose, and over other similar mischief, yelling becomes equivalent with mother trying to stop fun activity. So when he eventually reaches for a sharp or hot object, he will much less likely heed the warning, "DON'T TOUCH THAT!" no matter how loudly uttered. Ultimately, I had used up my power of a scream on things of little importance.

October is a scream-free month.

Hi,

My name is Chana and is a Screamaholic. Had I been a member of the frequent yelling club, earning a mile for every time I yell, I would not have to pay for a plane ticket to LA. Or possibly Israel. Or maybe even Mars. And back. So yeah, I yell. I am also not proud of it, and I feel guilty about it. A lot.

This year before Rosh Hashana, when going through a my usual list in Shimon Apisdorf's Survival Guide to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the answer to "What would you regret the most if left undone this year?" came immediately, with no close runner-ups in sight. I would deeply regret if I continued communicating with kids the way I do now. I made a commitment to dedicate this year to yelling less. Actually, eliminating it entirely.

I think it's a very serious and multi-faceted project. It's not just stopping the act of yelling itself, which would be awesome, don't get me wrong. It's also addressing the why's of yelling: after all, there are reasons - or if you prefer excuses - why I yell. Some are related to kids and their behavior, some are my personal, some completely in my control and some are beyond it with everything in between. I had come to conclusion that the entire way I parent needs to be reassessed. Actually, the entire way I function needs revamping. It's not only my parenting, I and my life, need some serious analysis and changes.

I think I am up for it. At the very least I owe it to myself and my kids to try. I am starting small - avoiding yelling. For one month. As much as I can. Care to join?

Picture courtesy of Google Images.